I've got to let go or remote control

Some things, most things if I'm honest, make no sense to me. Why I'm posting in a blog is one of them. Another one is understanding other people. OK, you don't want to be as moronic as idiots on TV, is that a lesson learned quickly or do you keep watching the idiots and call it "entertainment"? The title seems very disconnected, except it reminds me to let go and not care or try and change things. Just now, or 65-5 minutes ago, I was bugged by the mix of the idiotic tv show and my distaste for it. I should've just said change it with the.. remote control, or ignored it completly. There's a lesson to learn. I guess after how pissed off I was earlier, if that's all that really bugs me I'm doing ok.

Also, some phone keyboards suck for this. Mine is one of them. I might edit this later if I remember, or even care enough.

And then there were two

Warning, this might sound depressing. But if it's one thing I've learned, it's be honest to and with myself.

So awhile ago, I made a list that was sort of inspired by character in a Dean Koontz book. The character was Sam Booker, and luckily I'm not quite as grim as he was. He listed 4 things, four reasons for living. If I tried to, if I had to make that list, it would be long and involve alot of scratching out and rewriting things. My list is a bit simpler, yet hard for me to define: what really makes me happy, what do I look forward to?

It was three items. All I had handy were post-it notes, so I figured I'd rewrite the list later, and neater, on a bigger paper. After all, I was bound to add more stuff to this 3-am idea, right?

That was about two weeks ago. Tonight, that paper sits on the side of my desk. I haven't figured out what to add to it. In fact.. I just lost an item, for awhile at least.

Fitness: My exercise, my daily time on the bike, is the highlight of my day. Almost 22 miles today.

Trying to help: It feels right to be helpful, to try and do something for others. Normally anyway.

Music: I once felt music was the one thing I couldn't live without. Now, it's that and a conduit for my thoughts and feelings.

With the second gone, thanks to the straw that broke the camel's back coming over the phone, it's now two. It took me awhile tonight to realize that for whatever reason, helping people just doesn't seem right for now. It's something to get back to, after some (alot of?) healing in my head, after alot of time thinking.

Or, to use music:

You know if I leave you now

it doesn't mean that I love you any less

it's just the state I'm in

I can't be good to anyone else like this

Rationalism, Insecurity, Prologue?

So this new outlet of mine starts with a mundane thought, really just a off the cuff venting. I've already written a thing or two I'll be posting soonish, and parts of it won't make sense, I'm sure. But some of this stuff coming up happened in insanity, was madness, and was soaked in chaos, so I guess that's to be expected.

I've been questioning myself alot lately. Far more then I like to, probably more then I should. Enough that when I was told tonight to get a furniture dolly back, my first thought was "Did I lose it? Did I forget I loaned it out?" I've been having some memory issues lately, not sure why, but it was possible I forgot.

A phone call later, I've learned I -didn't- loan it out. I just have the number of the guy who it was loaned to. Great, guess that puts me in charge. I almost blamed myself and felt bad, like I've done alot lately, without knowing or even trying to find out if it was really my fault. But in a rational moment, I realized this isn't my fault.

Will I try to fix it? Yes. Will things that are my fault come up, that I'll have to fix? Yes, and I hope to keep the strength to see them through. But a clear head is what I'll need to see things through, I think. That's one thing I've got to find, keep, and work on.