So awhile ago, I made a list that was sort of inspired by character in a Dean Koontz book. The character was Sam Booker, and luckily I'm not quite as grim as he was. He listed 4 things, four reasons for living. If I tried to, if I had to make that list, it would be long and involve alot of scratching out and rewriting things. My list is a bit simpler, yet hard for me to define: what really makes me happy, what do I look forward to?
It was three items. All I had handy were post-it notes, so I figured I'd rewrite the list later, and neater, on a bigger paper. After all, I was bound to add more stuff to this 3-am idea, right?
That was about two weeks ago. Tonight, that paper sits on the side of my desk. I haven't figured out what to add to it. In fact.. I just lost an item, for awhile at least.
Fitness: My exercise, my daily time on the bike, is the highlight of my day. Almost 22 miles today.
Trying to help: It feels right to be helpful, to try and do something for others. Normally anyway.
Music: I once felt music was the one thing I couldn't live without. Now, it's that and a conduit for my thoughts and feelings.
With the second gone, thanks to the straw that broke the camel's back coming over the phone, it's now two. It took me awhile tonight to realize that for whatever reason, helping people just doesn't seem right for now. It's something to get back to, after some (alot of?) healing in my head, after alot of time thinking.
Or, to use music:
You know if I leave you now
it doesn't mean that I love you any less
it's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this
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